i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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