So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You dont lie about slip and slides
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
