It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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