it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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