I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
