my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
