a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
FUCK WHALES
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
