she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
