hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
