If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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