I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
bring money and cleavage
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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