My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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