Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
