I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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