There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize