I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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