we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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