i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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