I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
