If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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