Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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