The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
