I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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