we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
