Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
