Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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