ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize