Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
