I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
