be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize