I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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