Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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