its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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