we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
