Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
