its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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