well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
