girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
