Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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