Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
