Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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