everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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