Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize