I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
