theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
