This is not my ceiling
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
