I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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