please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
