1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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