holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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