I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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