Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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