And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
