I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
