Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
