It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have fence marks all over my body
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
