this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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