i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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