Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize