well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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