You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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