you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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