I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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