it's too hot outside to masturbate.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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