Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
