I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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