nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
