my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
