Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
